Everybody lies.

(via dreams4sunsets)

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What almost everyone that asks me for my Adderall doesn’t understand is that I take Adderall to focus how you would normally. When you take my Adderall you feel like you can solve the world’s problems. You can bang out an entire project in one night. You can cram for an entire exam fueled by this surge of motivation that seems super-hero-like. You take my Adderall and ask me, “Is this how you feel all the time?” And, unfortunately, my answer is no. I’ll never feel like a limitless mastermind. When I take Adderall, I become a normal human being. I can finish a normal amount of work, in a normal amount of time.

My brain works in two modes: on Adderall, and off Adderall. On Adderall, I’m attentive, motivated and energetic. Off Adderall, I can barely get up the motivation and focus to clean my room or send an email. And it’s frustrating. I’m frustrated with my lack of drive. I’m frustrated that this is how my brain operates. Scattered, spastic and very, very unorganized. There’s nothing desirable about not being able to finish a sentence because you lost thought mid-way through.

The worst thing that you can say to anyone with ADD is, “I think I should start taking Adderall.” Having ADD isn’t a free pass to get super-pills, having ADD means you have a disability. I take Adderall because I have a disability, and it wasn’t a choice I had a say in. I was tested for ADD my freshman year of college. My parents were skeptical because they didn’t know exactly what ADD was. To them, the kids with ADD were the bad kids in school that caused a scene and were constantly sent out of class. Not an above average student in her first year at a university. I went to a counselor and, after I was diagnosed with ADD, told me with a straight mouth, “Marissa this is something you’re going to have to take for the rest of your life.”

When the late night assignments and cramming for the tests are over, and we’re all out in the real world, I’m still going to be taking Adderall. When I’m raising a family and have to take the right kid to the right place for soccer practice, I’m still going be taking Adderall. And when I’m trying to remember the numbers they just said for bingo at my nursing home, I’m still going to be taking Adderall.

So you tell me you’re jealous that I get prescribed Adderall? Don’t be. I’m jealous that you can drink a cup a coffee and motivate yourself once you lose focus. I’m jealous that the success of your day doesn’t depend on whether or not you took a pill that morning. The idea of waking up and performing a full day without my medicine is foreign to me.

My brain works in two modes, and I don’t know which one is the right one. I don’t know which mode is the one the big man upstairs wants me to operate in. So before you say you want to be prescribed to Adderall, ask yourself if you need and want to operate in two different modes. Ask yourself if you want to rely on medicine to make your entire life work. If I had a choice, I would choose coffee like the rest of the world.

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- Marissa McCormick JMU